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Thursday, September 17, 2020

DIARY OF A PREGNANT WOMAN.

 


A happy toast to all mothers out there both the pregnant ones and the nursing ones.


Mrs. Salami woke up in the middle of the night-- her stomach growling and her throat as dry as a furnace. She gave her snoring husband a side-long stare, rubbed her bulgy belly which was almost due for delivery. She jolted up sluggishly and tapped her husband on his hairy legs:


"Hhmmmm!" Mr Salami groaned.

"Get up!" She muttered.

"What is it?" He asked yawning and stretching his hands above his head as he sat up.

"I'm hungry" she drawled as she squeezed her drowsy face exaggeratedly.

"By this time of the night-- well, let me go and warm something for you in the kitchen then"

"No-- you don't understand. Is not just any food I want"

"So what do you want?" Mr. Salami muttered struggling to keep his eyes open as he kept dozing off.

"I want-- I want eba garnished with native mango and female monkey intestine" she muttered shyly.


Mr. Salami eyes popped in bewilderment mixed with a little exasperation and amusement.

"What did you say?" He asked lowering his head so his eyes would catch his wife's who now had her face burried in her palms.


Without saying a word, Mr Salami sprang up emitting toxic air from his posterior. He tucked his hands inside his underpants scratching himself intensely with closed eyes until he dropped another thudding and enormous gas from his butt that sounded like a faulty generator:"kporrrrr kprooorrrrr kporrr".


He strode across the room picking his boxers which was stuck in-between his butt cheeks. He glanced over his shoulder and saw his bizarre hungry wife sniffing the polluted air as if it was an aroma of what she was craving. He burst into a teary laughter almost reeling on the floor.


"Why are you sniffing my fart nau, you this hungry woman?" He laughed as he managed to say.

"It's not funny jor! But I kind of enjoy it".

So do you still want the eba garnished with native mango and female monkey intestine?"

"I think I'm satisfied with your fart." She drawled.

Mr. Salami burst into laughter again as his wife joined him.


Three years later, this clown of a couple were sleeping soundly on their matrimonial bed when Mrs. Salami woke up Suddenly, panting hard with beads of sweat seated on her forehead. Mr. Salami who seemed to have awoken by her sudden shriek asked her: 

"What is it?"

But Mrs salami giggled: "ewo chineke nnam!" 

"What is it?" He asked again.

"My love, we forgot to pick the kids from school".


There was silence for a moment, then Mr Salami broke it with his hysterical laughter as his wife joined him. They laughed so hard that their funny eyes began to moisten with tears. 


DIARY OF A PREGNANT WOMAN.


©️ London Lucky Talbot ✍️

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